Who she needs me to be

It's January 1, 2009. I promised myself I would start blogging this year so here it goes. I will comment daily on the hardships, the joys, and the obstacles of loving a child with special needs. This is my story.
I am a mother of two, a full-time student, and a happily married 38 year old woman.
My children are wonderful. I have a 5 year old boy and a 7 year old girl.
Everything was just perfect until 3 years ago when my cuddly, loving, funny, joyful, smart little girl became suddenly sick. My world hasn't been the same since.
She was normal one day and the next she was lost in a world of beeping machines, tubes, and sterile walls. She was having seizures and they weren't stopping. She would be in a coma in the intensive care unit, (icu) for almost six weeks. The doctors were puzzled. At first they reported that this "virus" would run its course and she would be back to normal but, in reality the damage to her brain would cause her to have some "developmental delays". 5 months later, after being discharged from the icu and been in intensive, in-patient rehabilitation she came home.
Her condition when she came home was fragile. She was in a wheel chair, she did not speak, she avoided any eye contact, she had multiple seizures in a day and was in diapers. She was also on the ketogenic diet, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ketogenic_diet) and was given hydration and medications through a tube in her stomach.
I held on to the belief that this would pass and she would somehow become normal again. In blaring selfishness I thought to myself, "Can I do this, can I take care of this child and take care of other things in my life. For the first year I was either bringing her to an appointment, feeding her,preparing her meals, changing her, medicating her or doing therapy with her. It didn't feel like this was mothering. This was more like nursing.
The big questions were . . . . Can I love her? Am I capable of loving this child who doesn't know me? Can I love a child who can't show me affection? And the biggest question of all was can I love a child who doesn't need me? What an awful person I am.
Not long ago I went into my computer files and found some e-mails I had sent family and friends during our daughter's hospitalization. I sounded positive and uplifted by everyones support and kind words. At the time I was uplifted and I did feel positive. Now I find it difficult to be uplifted during the silent moments I spend with her. I am often at a loss for words when I am with her. I just end up saying "I love you" and "Mommy loves you". I hold her head still for a second justto get a look into her eyes.
Most days I feel like a horrible mother. I want to run away and never look back. I never show it on the outside and I would never actually do it.
I am trying to be who she needs me to be.